Stuff My Kid Says

When your kids start talking, it can be both exciting and terrifying.  You quickly realize that you can’t control what might come out of their mouth.  The following are actual conversations with my sons.

The one just starting to talk

On my way to get him out of the crib in the morning:

Jett: “Hi.  I tooted.”

Me: “Well, good morning to you, too!”

Jett: “Morning!  I tooted again!”

Me: “This is going to be a long day, isn’t it?”

Jett: “Yep.”

After hearing his Dad use his favorite term of endearment for me:

Jett: “Honey!  Honey, where are you?”

Me: “Are you talking to me?”

Jett: “Yep.  Where are you, honey?”

Me: “Downstairs.”

Jett: (comes downstairs) “Hi, honey!  Miss you so much!”

On humility

I had been told on several occasions from people at church that JJ was going around telling everyone that he was a genius.  Nice.  Then my dad said this happened after JJ built a train track by himself:

Pap: “JJ, that track is amazing!  Did you do that yourself?”

JJ: “Yep!  You know I’m a genius.”

So, I decided to ask JJ what the word ‘genius’ means.  He gave me a look that told me he couldn’t believe I would ask such a thing and said, “It means I’m very smart.”  A few days later, we passed the school he might possibly attend in a few years.

Me: “Are you excited to go to school?”

JJ: “I don’t think I’m going to have to go to school.  There won’t be anything left for me to learn by the time I’m old enough to go. ”

Me: “I think your teachers will have plenty of things for you to do.”

JJ: “Will they have balls there?  I’ll go if I can throw balls around.”

Me: “I’m sure they will have them in gym class and at recess.”

JJ: “Ok, I’ll go.”

This is why I pray for his future teachers all the time.

On work

While we were having dinner, JJ put his head in his hands and heaved a heavy sigh.  Jeff and I asked what was the matter.

JJ: “I just hate my job so much.”

Me: “What’s your job? Why do you hate it?”

JJ: “I work at the office over the mountain.  I hate it because the guys at work give me a hard time.”

Me: “You could try to get a new job.”

JJ: “That won’t work.  I have to pay the bills.”

Me: “What bills?”

JJ: “I have to get groceries for us to eat and pay for the house and electricity.”

Me: “Here’s a thought – why don’t you let Dad and I work and pay the bills.  You are only three, you can relax for a few more years.”

We got a good chuckle out of that, but still haven’t figured out where he would have heard someone say that they hated their job.  Jeff and I don’t hate our jobs, and even if we needed to vent, we wouldn’t do it in front of the kids.  I know why he said he had to work to pay bills.  He is always asking me to stay home (heartbreaking) and wonders why I have to go to work.  I am honest and say that I work to pay bills like the house payment, electric bill, and groceries.  A week or so later, he randomly said this:

JJ: “I still hate my job.”

Me: “I thought we talked about the fact that Mom and Dad take care of you and the house so you don’t have to worry about it.”

JJ: “The guys are still giving me a hard time.”

Me: “I’m sorry.”

JJ: “They make me work all the way until the fall season!  That is really such a bummer.”

I appreciate his dedication to work, but I feel like he’s taking it a little too far.  Still funny, though!

On marriage

JJ: “When I get married, am I going to have to move out and get my own house?”

Me: “Well, I think your wife would appreciate that.”

JJ: “Who will my wife be?”

Me: “I don’t know.  When you are older, you will meet a nice girl and fall in love.”

JJ: “A girl!?  Ewwww!”

Me: “Haha, it’s ok.  Dad married a girl – me.”

JJ: “You’re not a girl – you’re my mother. I am already an adult so I should probably get married soon, but I don’t think I’m ready for that.”

Me: “You’re three – you aren’t getting married any time soon. Go play!”

On bunk beds

Me: “JJ, would you like a bunk bed in your room to share with Jett?”

JJ: “What’s a bunk bed?”

I explained.

JJ: “Is the ladder metal or wooden?  Because Jett can’t handle a metal ladder.”

Me: “It would be wooden.”

JJ: “I’m afraid that Dad wouldn’t use screws that were strong enough to hold a bed up in the air.  Then I would have to rush down the ladder and hold out my tiny, little arms to catch the bed before it crushed my brother.  My father would be very unhappy if my brother were squished.”

Me: “So, is that a ‘no’ on the bunk beds?”

He can take the simplest question and run with it.  You truly never know what kind of answer you might get.

On bathroom etiquette

JJ has a habit of taking all of his clothes off if he has to go #2.  One day, I was unaware that he was using the bathroom and I just walked right in.  He was less than thrilled.

JJ: “Hey!  Why didn’t you knock?  Don’t you know that a man needs his privacy!?”

Me: “My apologies.”

My sister recently kept the boys for a few hours to help us out and also questioned the reason why he stripped down to go.  She tried to get him to keep his shirt on, but of course he had an explanation for the reason his shirt had to come off.

JJ: “I have to take my shirt off because my chin will run out of energy from trying to hold it up for so long.”

There you have it!

There are no words

Jeff and the boys often come to visit me at work.  A few weeks ago they paid me a lunchtime visit.  As they were leaving, I gave them all hugs and kisses and said my goodbyes.

Me: “Bye, JJ!  I love you and I’ll be home soon.”

JJ: “Bye, Mom!  I like your nipples!”

I’m sorry – whaaaat!?  It took a moment to register what was said.  Then I thought, “So this is how it ends.”  Not a horrible car accident, not a terminal disease – I’m going to die from embarrassment from the words of a preschooler.  At least I was surrounded by family and friends.

When I came to, I looked down and confirmed that there had been no wardrobe malfunction.  Not even close.  My coworker was enjoying a salad when this was said, and she almost shot lettuce out of her nose.  Why, why would he say that?  Well, JJ knows that he is not allowed to say that word, because he thinks it’s hysterical and he takes it too far.  And that was exactly why he did and said what he did.  He was laughing and laughing and I was the deepest shade of red possible.  He certainly got a reaction…and some discipline.

Oh, the stuff my kid says.

 

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